A year in status updates

January2013- and turning back the clock from there...
Tonight I saw a black cat tiptoe into my backyard, and i'm not kidding when I report that my first thought was, "Oh, a little panther!" And this is why I know I've been exposed to more GO DIEGO GO than any human should.


This one time when I was little, I poured a bucket of sand into a wasps nest, and learned a valuable lesson, which is why I wont be discussing gun control or politics on facebook any time soon. ;)


Whew, I had a close call this weekend. I almost missed the girl scouts going door to door because I was driving away when they reached my block. Don't worry, I came back and flagged her down. Crisis averted.


Okay, who in BG has creativity, and a working printer (blah, mine is on the fritz!) and wants to do my bidding today to help me get together some props for an awesome super saturday skit??


Currently, the most inconvenient part about rheumatoid arthritis is the weekly injections and daily pills. Can I just tell you, that's a pretty AMAZING place to be.


"When comforting a grammar nazi, I always say softy: There, their, they're"

Deep thoughts from the side of the road (for the 3rd time in 2 weeks): If you can't afford a new car, a AAA gold membership is the next best thing.

December 

I always thought it seemed boring when people (in California) would watch the ball drop and then go to bed at 9pm, but now that I live in the eastern time zone, i'm wishing there was someone dropping the ball right now so I could get ready for bed, and convince the kids they haven't missed anything. I am officially boring.


Lake effect snow is serious business. People on the great lakes should carefully consider sled dogs.


Lincoln was calling out, "Mama! Mama! Where are you?" But on further investigation it turned out to be a narration of the christmas lights calling to each other, the baby blue light was looking for the mama blue light and making plans to jump branches.
           

Santa Claus AND the tooth fairy all in one 24hr period!

Great Christmas Eve: movie with grandma, a big stockpot of zuppa tuscana for dinner with the whole family, making graham cracker houses, and Just Dance of course!
In other new, Christmas came early to our van with Christmas Eve bringing a new battery and distributor, lucky duck!

I'm feeling pretty lucky that our car waited to break down until AFTER we got safely through the big snow storm, and even held out long enough for Mary E Scott and I to finish our christmas prep shopping! And what a nice tow truck driver who gave us, our groceries, our presents, and our live christmas tree a ride home before taking it to the shop. Tender mercy!

November

Jason wanted a variation of our awesome barbie cake, like maybe a cowboy with gigantic chaps, but since we couldn't find a cowboy doll, we went the shark attack route.

Athen, speaking of flamin' hot cheetos, "I tasted them before, they were really hot! They burned my mouth 'till I was 10." Since he's 4, I guess he has 6 more years until the burning subsides.

Ten points for the first person who can guess where in Rexburg I ate dinner tonight.
                Thanksgiving!  

I RUINED our chili for the annual chili cook off. Jason and I spend three lovely hours together picking a recipe, buying ingredients, chopping and prepping everything (which was a blast), then when it was all together I turned it up too high and instead of simmering it, I scorched it. Blast.
Also, any tips for getting the stench of charred chili out of my house would be handy.

October

 Halloween!



The kids helped Jason rake leaves (mostly just giving them rides in the leaf packed sled) while I watched through the kitchen window, making my favorite apple pie. Then later, we all saw an amazing rainbow balanced by a brilliant pink/orange sunset that made everyone stop and stare. All the sarcasm and political snark in the world couldn't produce the depth of feeling encompassed in a few brief but tender moments of regular life.

It seems like not long ago I was coming out of surgery and about to meet my precious little girl and eight years later, here I am I'm spending the morning making my first and probably last barbie cake, and trying very hard not too get too sentimental about just how quickly she's growing.

Brooklyn's baptism! It was a great day with lots of family and friends here to enjoy the baptism, then her soccer game, lunch, and the scout spagetti dinner/cake auction. 

September

Guess what? I did the Cotton Eyed Joe dance this weekend. A slightly less springy cotton eye joe, but it was purely awesome nonetheless. And to think, I didn't even have to wait for the resurrection ;o)

I am now in a really good position to make sure I get into Girls' Camp again next summer, since I am now the Young Womens president. yay! Let the good times roll!
Now, if only I could figure out a way to have the super duper awesome Rayna Viola keep running the thing, while I just stay and play.

August

Movie night! Harry potter and caramel popcorn.

Jason Ratliff, I could marry you a hundred times over. Although, that wont really be necessary since that one time we got married 9 years ago is still good for another gazillion years at least

First day of school!

I really love my kids, so I can only imagine how much more I will enjoy them when they outgrow being complete slobs. But I suppose they will outgrow a lot of the cuteness too, so I guess the obsessive compulsion to create catastrophic messes is the going price for the many fun things about their age.

The weather was just perfect for spending the better part of the afternoon at the park. I love that even though they all played with other kids, they ended up perfectly content playing in the sand with their siblings. Love!

July 

So, I've been so diligent about counting my calories that my Dr asked me if I was indeed taking my steroids (which are notorious for causing weight gain), because of my unlikely steady weight loss. Little victories are SO fun! Totally worth the effort.

This is my plate of birthday goodies! A cherry vanilla poke cake, lemon merangue pie, and pistachio nut ice cream, because who can decide on just one delicious thing. I also had chinese food for lunch and chipotle for dinner, I'm so spoiled!

             

Girls camp was the best ever!

I practically bounced around Kroger tonight, and felt like such a normal human being! Love/Hate steroids. But right then I loved them.

From Ms. Cindi: Oh my, oh my...can Athen R. get any cuter? Lucia Ratliff, I told the children that teacher Melanie was the author of the book she was about to read. Without skipping a beat, Athen said, "I wonder who the illustrator is?" THEN at lunch, I was sitting with Athen enjoying some of the extra bananas from snack. I commented on good the bananas were and Athen said, while nodding his head in a very knowing way, "yea, they're probably home made"!!!! I cannot take the cuteness of that boy!

Tonight is the annual christmas tree bonfire. That little orange speck is Diego, and by the looks of that pile, it will be quite the inferno.

June

5 lbs away from wedding weight... down 38 lbs total. YAY!

It feels more like summer now that peaches and nectarines are .99/lb. Ah, how I love the fruits of summer!

May

Who says motherhood is a thankless job? Lincoln just came back in the kitchen at least 10 times to tell me "dank ooo" (thank you) for peeling him an orange.

     

April

Athen's cake is ready!   Green eggs and ham was the birthday breakfast of choice!

          

March

I love when Jason gets home from the priesthood session and our pillow talk consists of highlights from conference. Yep, it's pretty much my favorite.

  Celebrity sighting at conference

Extra points of you start singing the following:

!  

Lincoln broke his foot right before the rehearsal dinner, but was walking again 3 days later! yay! Kids are amazing!

February

 I took a little trip down memory lane with the boys this morning and ended up with cholera, a broken leg, and lots of smiles.

January

I take back what I said about prednisone. I woke up today feeling like I might be in my twenties again, so I will just enjoy it while it lasts :o)

You don't even know how many times my psyche has been on the brink of berzerk due to catastrophic messes or what have you. when shortly after offering a desperate prayer telling Heavenly Father that I can't possibly handle whatever it was *viola!* the mormon sister missionaries call, text, or stop by looking for service hours. They came today to help me wash some walls, and stayed for THREE HOURS! Such a blessing!!

News!

Well, Jason is approaching the end of his program, and it's time to look at the next thing on the horizon. You'll never guess, but it's exciting, I promise you! More news to come when we've jumped through a few more bureaucratic hoops.

Hint: Think camels.

Just a quick update about my health: I have been feeling GREAT lately. I forgot how much easier everything is when you feel well. I am really hoping that it's the new medicines kicking in and causing this upswing, as opposed to the double steroids. Either way, I'm doing great, and feeling especially grateful right now. Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, and well wishes!

Shoes On!

Is there anything sweeter than toddler talk? Not for me, not at the moment anyway. I just love how my little guy says, "Dee-do, Mama!" (thank you, mama) all day because it is remarkably similar to another phrase, "Doot-dit, mama" which translates to, "look it, mama!" for when he has anything he thinks is interesting. I wish I had a camera and microphone to just follow him around all day to capture his cute little phrases and faces. I heard that when they were making Monsters Inc, they just put a mic on a little girl and let her roam the studio all week and that's how they got all the adorable little phrases that Boo says. I keep thinking that if anyone in Hollywood needed ADORABLE toddler babbling, my little guy would stop the show with his vocal cuteness! I can't seem to get it recorded since when I pull out the phone the little ham stops whatever he's doing and says, "cheeeeeeeese" which is quite cute, but not so handy for candid anything. Ah well, maybe it will happen, but if not, I hope it is etched in my memory forever!

Another common phrase is "choos-on". Yeah, he is convinced that the word is not Shoes, but Shoes-on. When I think about it, I hardly ever say one without the other. Let's get our shoes on. Can you put your shoes on? Shoes on, please. So every time he sees a shoe he says, "choos on!" Love it. 

on death

Journal entry from yesterday:

I find myself thinking about death a lot. I think it’s normal, especially for me since I am a pretty dramatic person. I imagine it’s hard for anyone to feel like they have a long healthy life ahead of them when they are in a current state that seems unsustainable. In not even 2 years of rhuematoid arthritis, I have felt my body go from great (thought slightly heavier than healthy, hey I was 6 months out from the birth of my 4th child, c-section mind you, no jumping up and going for a jog) to so very very different. I’m so much slower, so much weaker, so much more frail. It’s not just this, but the fact that it’s a disease that really is linked to higher mortality rate. I just read today something to the effect of people with unresposive RA (which is pretty much what mine has been so far, progress with symptoms, but not with the disease itself)  have a mortality rate similar to that of people with stage VI hodgkins lymphoma, and heart disease that affects 3 valves (or arteries, or something or other of extreme importance). I feel like death is on the table, though obviously it is for everyone, and no one knows when they will die. But I have just been thinking about it so much. It’s not a desire to die, i’m NOT suicidal by any means, I just think dying of some complication is a possibility in my current state.
There’s also the fact that the medicines I am on are highly toxic, and have a history of dangerous side effects. Leuflonamide, the one that’s been added most recently says right in the warning that it’s linked to liver problems, ESPECIALLY if used in conjunction with methotrexate (which I am on), it’s not recommended, although it notes it can be more effective in certain cases. I have to get my blood checked EVERY SINGLE MONTH to monitor my inflammation and RA stuff, but more especially to make sure my vital organs haven’t been damaged by the meds since the previous blood draw from the month before. Which reminds me, I need to go get a lab work tomorrow. I have been paying special attention to the whites of my eyes for the yellowing from liver failure. So far so good.
So anyways, I often laugh at my morbid inner monologue. When people do random nice things for me, I find myself wondering if it’s because God is trying to make my last memories of life especially happy, or that He knows that when I die, they would feel bad for thinking of me and not doing anything. I’m taking more time to try to enjoy the time with my kids, and make sure that they have something nice to remember too, which has been really nice actually. But still I think, “Is it so wonderful because my time is short?”  I have been losing weight, is it because Heavenly Father wants me to have that satisfaction of feeling good about my body since I wont have it for long? Did the YW leaders feel inspired to let me come to girls’ camp even though I’m not a leader, because Heavenly Father knows how much I love it, and wants me to be able to go again before I die. Or even if I don’t make it that long, he doesn’t want me to die feeling rejected from YW camp. You see? I’m sooooooo dramatic.
I think about who will be Jason’s wife, and mother my babies after I’m gone. Last night my kids were talking about much they love one of my awesome single friends, and how they wished she was their aunt, then Athen upped it to wishing she was their step-mom, with was met with emphatic approval. Wouldn’t it be great if she was our mom?!? I knew they didn’t know what getting a step-mom would entail, and I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up. Though I agreed she would be a great mom, and internally sighed that my kids might eventually have very keen knowledge of why a person gets a stepmom. I was told in a blessing that this experience would be short. I don’t know which experience that is really, RA, having trouble controlling my emotion with my kids(which is why I requested the blessing), or my life. Or is it just an eternal perspective thing? I'm going to get old, but it will seen short in the grand scheme of things. I didn’t get a “no you aren’t going to die” answer. Everyone is going to die. No one knows when, and since I don’t know, I should not assume I have a long time to be the mom I want my kids to remember, whether they remember it with me on the earth or not. Shouldn’t we all ‘live like you were dying” as the twangy country song suggests?

NO regrets, dead or alive,  

For the record, I didn't post this to disturb all of my readers, I just want my blog to be an accurate account of my experiences thus far. And after the last post, I'm starting to worry people think I have inhuman optimism. I'm no Pollyanna. I often post about things that are profound or interesting to me, and it's the sweet peaceful conclusions I've come to only after plenty of stressing over things. This is the other side of a coin. I love that life can be so many things all at once. I can love life and feel so lucky, and at the same time be thinking "This is going to kill me , I just know it!". It's all life, its very me, good and bad.

on life.

Tonight I was reading a quote about the principle of compensation, and how all sorrows will be made right 100 fold in the Lord's time, and I thought to myself, "Am I going to be compensated for this time that my body is so inconveniently beset with arthritis?" ( And yes, I'm talking about it again, sorry! Do you feel like you are reading an arthritis blog yet?)   I was surprised at how quickly my thought's answered back, "No". Well let me explain a little more, I am sure my body will be repaired since I plan on having it forever at some point so in it's current state it just isn't eternally sustainable. But compensation, no, that implies some sort of imbalance that needs to be corrected. I don't see my health that way. There's a story there. You see, when my mom was pregnant with me, I got all tangled up in my umbilical chord, but instead of knotting and killing me, it just grew longer and longer. I heard after I was born, they kept it in a jar at the university. Cool, and weird. So anyways, the ultrasounds were a fright! I appeared to have a hand and foot growing from my head, and just looked hopelessly deformed.  The story goes that my parents even got a letter from the Utah governor's office suggesting they abort me since I wouldn't live anyway, and the cost of trying to save me with only a slim chance of success (and even then with only the hope that I'd be a vegetable) would eventually be an astronomical financial burden for the state. If you know my parents (staunch mormon, and devout catholic) you'd know that abortion was out of the question. So the time came for my birth, and there were all sorts of specialists there ready to whisk me away and attempt to keep me alive when I came out... totally fine. Just a little tangled up in a miraculously long chord.  I was born stealing health from where it shouldn't have been.

Jason and I have often remarked that life is just so nice together, that we are subconsciously waiting for a big bomb to drop. We are not trying to be pessimists, but we have both had that feeling of, "Sure this is nice, enjoy it, but life doesn't come with a guarantee of pleasantness", on the contrary it is supposed to be the hard part of our existence, heaven is where it's all fair and wonderful, but only after the hard learning process of earth.

So, for a little portion of my good health to expire 26 years after the warranty was up, I still feel like I have been overly compensated already. I'm just saying that if heaven were to really balance the books, so to speak, it wouldn't be in favor of a long heathy life, i'm overdue in that department. It was already ridiculously unfair in my benefit, I can't really ask for more. And yet even with this "hardship" I still get all sorts of help along the way and reassurance that it will be or at least seem like a short time. So there you have it, life's not fair, but it's not fair in my favor so who am I to complain (not that it stops me).

Thankful Christmas Tree

Last Fall, I saw a lot of adorable thankful trees, where families had written things they were thankful for on paper leaves, and taped them to the wall. I wanted to make one, but missed it for Thanksgiving, so ours was a big green thankful Christmas tree. After Christmas, I kept the stack of papers at my computer desk so I could make the list of things the kids were thankful for, and there it sat, and here I am in June going crazy about the clutter on the desk, so I'm finally getting it typed out!!

We are thankful for: 

Pie

Our House

Music

Sunflowers

Disneyland

Diego

The Temple

Computers

Brooklyn

Grandpa

Snow

Church

Preschool

Windows

Hanukkah

Lincoln

Heavenly Father

Baby Jesus

Birds

San Diego

Our Family

Ms. Cindi

A Heart for Love

Grandpa Ricky

Jason

Moose

Dad and Mom

Happiness

Scorpions

A/C

Deer

Grandpa Ricky (again)

Television

And several discernible pictures that seem to be (and very well could be): A three-eyed monster,a butterfly, a hook, and a family. 

:)

Summer lovin' had me a blast...

Well, not so much in the Grease sense of the phrase, but we are LOVIN' SUMMER and HAVING a BLAST! Oh, how I love summer! Here are some highlights so far:

Summer Camp! The older 3 kids have been going to various summer camps here and there and really loving it! I love that they get to do fun things, just be kids, be active, and that they don't have to slow down because of me. I also like the little pockets of one-on-one or at least one-on-two time I get with whoever is not at camp.

 Summer Reading! It's been fun having more time to be at the library, and more quiet time to just read stories. I also love that my kids are old enough to enjoy listening to books that I actually enjoy too. I have many favorite children books, but a person can only stand so much worrying from the little toy clown and toys and dolls, wondering if a train will ever help them get all their goodies to the good little boys and girls on the other side of the mountain. Seriously, that book is forever long. Right now we are all thoroughly enjoying Shannon Hale's The Princess Academy.

 Summer Weather! I love that that sun has come out in full warmth and we can enjoy warm days at the park, cool nights watching fireflies, hot days perfect for going to the Ice Cream Machine, and summer storms to cool it all off. Not to mention that nice summer glow we all have, and getting to unpack the boxes of summer clothes.

 Summer Schedule! I love that a few nights ago when it was bedtime and my kids begged me to let them stay because they found out I knew some swing dance, so they were dying to learn too, I could say, "Well, we don't have to be up early for anything so, SURE! Let's learn how to swing dance!" And I love that they were so excited to show Dad their ever so basic, but oh so enthusiastic swing steps.

 I love the cookouts, and the time with friends, and the many summer birthdays we get to celebrate, and I just have to say I wholeheartedly approve of the whole concept of Summertime! And it is only JUNE! July and August just get better!

Life is a good deal.

I'm feeling sentimental today. It started with having a ridiculously awesome life, but waxed emotional, grateful, and blissfully happy when I caught up on some back reading of friends' blog posts. Sherry in particular. It reminded me of her strength and humor, and how fun it was to live down the street from her. But I can't think of one friend without thinking of scores of others whom I love SO much and am so happy to know. I'm so glad to have lived in so many places( Nine cities all over the US, FIVE just since Jason and I got married) because for every place, there are amazing people that I can't imagine not knowing, and that I count blessed to have spent part of life with. And here we are again in a place where it again feels like home, with friends that I know I will think of often, long after we've moved on.

I've always known the best part of life is spending it surrounded by God's treasures, and knowing that no matter how many you come to love, you will never run out of space to know and love more. Sure life is tricky, but it's a really good deal.

I'm a list person...

I really think I should start a running list of the things I want to do when I get a brand new fresh amazing body, in other words, when I get resurrected. You know, I actually think about that a lot, and I think having a body in good working order with everything pristine and perfect will be completely distracting for at least the first few decades. I think we will all be surprised at how many things we have always thought were inherent flaws, personality quirks, etc are actually just a physiological side effect of something being not quite right. It's like how when your kids are just so sad, or so cantankerous, or frazzled about anything and everything, and you KNOW that the problem actually is that they need sleep, but they just can't see how easily their seemingly unrelated problems could be fixed if they would just go to bed, or take their nap! I think our bodies are the same way. We don't even realize that we are not feeling tip top and our physical state is hampering our ability to deal with stuff. So maybe that guy that's always grumpy will wake up from the resurrection a new person once the unseen physical ailments are gone.
Okay, I digress. Back to business. Every once in a while I try to do something only to realize it's no longer in my ability to do. Most of the time it's fine and stuff I'm well used to, but occasionally it catches me off guard and stresses me out, if only momentarily. This past weekend we were at Ebonnie's wedding, and everything was beautiful, despite the inevitable last minute problems, but what really surprised me was that the biggest emotional jolt of the day was not when my sister-in-law walked down the isle looking stunning, or kissed her new husband for the first time, or when my kids carried flowers and rings down the isle, or even the aftermath of my toddler breaking his foot the night before, I handled all that just fine. I'm embarrassed to say that the most alarming moment for me personally was when Cotton-Eyed Joe came on, and I forgot that jumping from one foot to the other was an utterly ridiculous thing to even attempt, and so I tried. No, I didn't fall on my face or anything, but my mind told my legs, "Jump!" and they tried, and quickly sent back, "Not likely" and then I remembered. Blah! So oh well, big deal, it's not the end of the world, but just for future reference, I think it will be so fascinating to have a fresh perfect body, that I might be too distracted to enjoy the little things I have missed, hence: the list! Make a list. Move on.

Things I will do when I get resurrected:
- Go for a run!
- The cotton-eyed Joe dance. Definitely.

Year in Review.. Lucia's perspective

It's usually about this time of year I start thinking about a review of what we did this year, but as I thought of what we did for the year my memory went something like this:

January: Mysterious aches and pains increase while all else fogs into bare minimum survival

February: " "

March: " "

April: " "

(this is a little twilight New Moon-ish isn't it?)

Athen turns 3!

May: Diagnosis of Rheumatoid arthritis, and beginning of steroids, weekly low-dose chemo pills, and just like that my body becomes a hazardous environment for any living thing, so, no more babies folks, but hope in sight for those awful joints!

Lincoln turns 1!

Diego turns 5!

June: Jason leaves to summer internship in NYC, mom comes to help for the summer. Trip to Iowa!

July: Jason spends my birthday weekend home!

August: Jason is home for good! Linlcoln and I get the cozy job of escorting Grandma back to San Diego where Grandpa is waiting for her.

September: Diego's first day of kindergarten. Lucia's first Humira injection (fancy!)

October: Brooklyn's Birthday

November: Thanksgiving in Buffalo

December: Christmas! YAY!!!

So... as you can see I have been distracted this year, it was a tough year, and I can't think of any way to describe the shock of it other than comparing it to the first few days/weeks after labor where you shutter at the thought of going through that physical trauma again. Removed from the daze of survival mode, it's still terror-inducing to imagine another such year. However, the fact that I am indeed removed from that survival mode means I have LOTS to be thankful for! What a relief to be on the upswing and functioning again. So many others are not so lucky with their trials, and that fact has really sobered me on those days where I just needed to get over it, get over myself already! It's cliche to say, but so true that when I look at the trials of many others compared to my own, I couldn't imagine trading. I feel like mine is an easy, minuscule, watered down version of the challenges so many other's face. I am so so so blessed! So, while my memories are still recovering from shock, I can't think of this as a bad year. How can it be bad, when everything is so good? But I do think we might have better luck and more accuracy of the details if Jason posted what actually happened this year!

Some Diego-isms you've missed out on...

Oh man, we've had some really good Diego-isms as of late. Remember when Diego would make our lives exciting by doing the darnedest things (corn starch snow in the living room, "cooking" eggs, tomatoes, etc.)? Well, luckily he has outgrown a lot of those kinds of shenanigans ...well except for last night*...

***********Side Story**************

Last night!ARG! So while they were "brushing their teeth" Diego and Athen were in fact getting a slightly old pumpkin out of my bedroom(don't ask- there's no good explanation) and pulling out its innards, which they then tried to cram down the bathroom sink, unsuccessfully, thanks to the blessed stopper. So, naturally they pulled out the stopper to fill the drain, and then went to bed. So after they were asleep and it was safe for me to go upstairs (you can't go upstairs while kids are trying to procrastinate sleep, it makes the process dramatically longer!!), and low and behold my ladies room trip was greeted by a clogged sink and moldy pumpkin guts all over the sink and floor. ARG!! You know how they say children look like angels when they sleep? Well, I thought peeking at their little angel sleeping faces might calm down the tremors quickly turning full scale earthquake in my psyche, but it was NOT helpful. Rather I ended up quickly leaving the room, quite disturbed by my strong inclination to wake them up and spank their little tooshies. WHOA! HELLO, CALM DOWN WOMAN! So anyways, I scooped the crud from the sink, went downstairs to cry/pray. Jason has this joke saying in a deep southern accent "I need Jeeeezus!" which basically means "I'm about to to have a colossal freak out to be tempered only by some severe divine intervention" I was needing some "Jeezus" in a bad way, but all joking aside, the praying worked, and after some very specific scripture study about Patience (which I could stand to study a whole lot more!), we all ended the night on a good note.

****************************************

So, not to be diminished by the goings-on of last night, I thought it'd be a great time to catch you up on the most recent hilariousness Diego has come up with.

1- On Saving the world! Recently, upon learning of the naughty bad guys (drug cartel) in Mexico, Diego announced that he knew how to handle the problem. " I'm just going to go there, and teach those guys about Jesus, and if they're mean to me, well I will KEEP teaching them, and when they learn, they wont want to make those bad choices anymore!" Oh man, that was the cutest thing! It might even work, who could discount such a sincere little guy?

2- On being a Spy! Diego has been having a hard time trying to decide what he wants to be when he grows up. Doctor, farmer, ninja, and spy are all so tempting! One day he decided he was probably going to be a spy, and explained to me "I didn't tell any of my preschool friends that I'm going to be a secret agent spy, because then when they are grown up, they will know and it wont be a secret! And what if they grow up to be a villain or tell a bad guy who I am?" Hehehe.. so clever, he really thought that out.

3- On homeless dogs! The other day, we were headed to school and I could not convince him to get in the car. He was standing at the sidewalk making a loud exaggerated whimpering sound for a good five minutes. I was annoyed that he wouldn't get in, but curiosity vetoed the annoyance so when he finally gave up the mission and got in the car I listened very intently as he explained to me, " I saw a dog catcher drive by (probably a rectangular truck or something) and I was making puppy sounds to get him to come catch me, and take me to the pound. Then when he went home, I would sneak out and open all the cages of the dogs and they could be free and go home! And if they didn't have a home, I would bring them to our house and we would be their family."

4. On Camouflage. A while back we were at the sporting goods store when Diego noticed a rack of camouflage jumpsuits. I was surprised to see how expensive those things are (seriously over $100 for something so ugly and random), but more surprised when Diego picked up a large one from the rack and backed away with it. He stood against the wall and in a loud whisper said, "MOM! Can you see me??"

5. Upon learning there was free popcorn and Philly cheese-steaks in the box seats at the football game: "This is the BEST PLACE EVER!"

6. On blood. There was some blood on the kitchen floor from a cut Athen got, and upon seeing it, Diego tried to step on it. Disappointed that it was still there when he moved his shoe, he exclaimed, "Oh man, if only we had a pet vampire!"

Oh man, I love that kid!

I have been going to physical therapy as of late, and whoa, it's no walk in the park (which isn't really fun yet either). It makes me feel like such a whimp... well, not me per say, all name calling is designated to the whimpyness of a few pesky joints. But I guess it's not their poor little fault either, they were attacked... *dramatic pause*... by some rouge immunity cells. But then again the immunity cells didn't mean any harm by it either, they were just doing their job, defending their honor etc, albeit with mixed up instructions about their target. And who mixed up their instructions? Who knows! And beyond that it just gets too complicated to track down a culprit, so for the sake of simplicity I am declaring all parties absolved of guilt, and shall heretofore not be held liable for damages nor be referred to as whimps though I reserve the right to wrinkle my nose at them on occasion. I have spoken.

Gosh I'm so easily distracted, back to physical therapy. Well, the nice physical therapist kept demonstrating seemingly simple exercises.

Step onto the block, step off of the block.

Lean on the wall, roll back onto your heels, lifting your toes as high as you can.

Stand on the board, tip toes forward, then heels back, then side to side.

10 wrist curls with the rubber band.

Stand on one foot for 30 seconds, holding a bar for balance. Switch.

I am totally capable of doing all of those very simple things with ease, theoretically. I was not prepared to break a sweat, or to be pep talking my ankles. "Left ankle, you are a rockstar! Right ankle, you are a redheaded step child."

Wow, in retrospect, that sounds so mean to my right ankle... okay, I'm going to go try and sweet talk my ankle now.

I am losing my mind!!

Yes, I am losing my mind! Not in terms of sanity, that comes and goes with lovely hormones, and steroids, and the occasional sleep deprivation, and having 4 kids by golly! When I say I am losing my mind, I mean the part of it that I heavily rely on in order to think and function.

Exhibit A

Time: 4 years ago

Place: At church in Georgia

Evidence: I was standing in the hallway talking with some other ladies about official church stuff when Jason came around the corner and asked if Diego had come my way. He saw me in the middle of a discussion , said "Oh." and went the other direction. A couple minutes later, when the conversation was over and Jason had not returned with Diego I decided to see if he had wandered into choir practice, so I popped my head in and asked a friend if she had seen Diego. She looked at me with a strange expression, paused a second, then pointed to the left of me. Sure enough, there in my left arm was Diego. And on my face: an embarrassed blush, and in my brain: not much apparently.

Exhibit Y (Y stands for You don't even want to know how many times that stuff has happened)

Time: Earlier today

Place: My house

Evidence: Lets begin with a question. What is worse than getting everyone in the car only to realize your keys are NOT in your purse, and then remembering exactly where you last saw them in your now locked house? I'll tell you what's worse: Having your hubby walk home in the rain to open the house, while your friend takes your children to school for you, and then and only then realizing your keys are... in your pocket.

SHEESH!!!

What do you do when your brain stops being reliable, and all of your contingency plans for the situations that may arise also depend on A FUNCTIONING BRAIN?!?!

I'm chalking this up to yet another reason why I'm going to be really excited when that old Resurrection rolls around. I was already looking forward to being flawless, preferably size 12, with hair unaffected by humidity (Its not like I actually know what that"Resurrection" package specifically entails but in terms of frizziness, I'm allowing myself come creative license okay?).

And then more recently it occurred to me that the irreversible, incurable, and fairly annoying rheumatoid arthritis will be cured AND reversed. SWEET!!! All that stuff I mentally prepared myself to never do again can be amended to "Not for a while" instead of "Never again" which is obviously so much better.

And Now: A brain in consistently, good working order is sounding pretty darn good too.

Summer of mom!

So, my mom has been here with me and the kids ALL summer while the hubby was interning in NYC, and for the record:

SHE IS THE BEST EVER!!!!

First off, you can't talk to my mom for more than 5 minutes without realizing she's the sweetest lady on the planet. She instantly cares about everyone and is always plotting ways to help even random people she meets.

Secondly, I'm so lucky to have a mom that's so easy to get along with! She is pure pleasant company.

Thirdly, you just don't even understand what an immense difference it makes in the cleanliness and organization of a house when Mom AND Grandma are home all day. Wow! After months of chaotic "survival mode" it has been SUCH a relief to just maintain some housekeeping stability. Don't get me wrong, it's still exhausting trying to catch up with the care and feeding of four little ones, but my house has just been so nice while she has been here!

Fourth, my parents are so so so wonderful for offering the loan of my mom for FOUR MONTHS! Can you imagine putting your life on hold to go help someone on the other side of the country for so long? It's especially amazing that she stuck it out the whole time considering that fact that while her presence meant that my load was physically, socially, and emotionally lightened, her load was significantly more burdened.

And lastly, a shout out about my dad: it was about the cutest thing I've ever seen to see card after card, day after day that he sent her while she was away. My mailbox was well acquainted with love notes, newspaper clippings, cards, jokes, and general greetings for my mom nearly every day!

Thanks Mom and Dad!

Ah, this is nice!

The short List of what’s SO MUCH BETTER about life for the past month:
My stairs: I can EASILY walk up them
My hair: I can lift my arms to comb it, even keep them up to *tada* braid it!
My daughters hair: My arms and hands are strong enough to do it again.
My couch: I can get off of it without a 30-90 minute mental pep talk/threats.
My sheets: I can pull them over myself at night.
My toilet: Aaah the relief. Okay, couldn’t resist that, sorry! But seriously, if you’ve never looked at those toilet extension things that make a toilet higher and coveted it... you are normal... I cannot say the same for myself.
My medicine bottles: Now visited only once a day!
My keys: I can turn them one handed.
My clothes: I can handle them myself. If you really want to know what an overachiever I have become, I even get dressed standing up! Try not to be jealous of my skills.
My sleeping kids: I can carry them most of the time. Even on stairs, mostly.
My dreams: They are no longer about being helpless to save my kids in an emergency.
My basement: What do you know, it does still exist after all. Convenient since my washer and dryer live there.
Tornado season: Okay, tornado season is not cured, but we are better prepared since I can access the basement again, and I even put together a tornado watch kit in foot lockers which I carried downstairs myself!
My deodorant: I can now reach my full arm pit. Those of you close to me should be happy it was winter, and that I couldn’t exercise or even move enough to work up the slightest sweat.
Things on the floor: I can step OVER them, instead of hazardously shuffling through them, sometimes unsuccessfully. Not that there’s much of anything on the floor these days- did I tell you my mom is staying for the summer?
Shoes: I tie them.
Typing: 10 fingers again!
My shampoo bottle: I can squeeze it with my hands instead of my teeth.
Jars: I don’t have to ask my preschooler to open them.
The top shelf: Accessible again! Without even propping one arm up with the other.
My arms, elbows, hands: I suspect I could use them again to help me stand up, that is, IF I needed them, which I don’t, by the way. Although, I’m not likely to test that theory in the bathtub any time soon. It only takes once being stuck in the slippery buff to no longer think of a bath as soothing.
Seat belts and car seats: No longer a feat of frustration and sheer willpower.
Disciplining children: Much more consistent. When all you have is your voice to manage the small to large issues, they figure out pretty quickly you can’t actually enforce many consequences. (ie, Can I have this junk food? No? It doesn’t matter since I can finish it before mom can get to me to put it out of reach.)
Nurturing Children: Snuggles, holding them, energy to do fun stuff again, even singing them to sleep again since I'm not physically demolished and mentally/emotionally at the last frayed strings on the end of my rope by bedtime.
Morning: It is not only a part of my day again, but its pretty much the same as the rest of my day- normal!
Jason: Well, he hasn’t changed per say, but he does get a little awesomer every day, so I deem that of note. He’s had to be both parents the first 1-4 hours of every morning for months and months, without ever treating me like anything had changed, or like I was sickly.

I'm sure I will think of more things to add, but this is what popped to the top of my head as I wrote in my journal tonight.

I got a new theme song... and rheumatoid arthritis at the same time!

(to the tune of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes)

Hands, shoulders knees and toes,

Snap! Crackle! Pop! they go.

Wrists, elbows, ankles, feet,

I'm my own rice crispy treat!

added by Taryn:

Crinkle, Pop, Crispy, Snap!

I'm more fun than bubble wrap!

Isn't it great? You love it right? I'm working on further verses, or variations of other tunes. Ideas are accepted, but if I break a big arthritis record deal/ retirement community tour, or something else amazing off of your genius, i'm claiming it as my own and you're out! (This means YOU, Taryn!)

Diagnosis

So as you probably read in the title, I very recently learned that I have acquired rheumatoid arthritis. A nasty case of it too, which is actually a relief since i've had symptoms since December and they have progressed rapidly over relatively few months as i've been in doctor limbo, waiting to see a specialist (What can I say, I've always been a little advanced) . I was in emotional limbo too. Waiting for answers, and nervous there wouldn't be any. Nervous there would be answers, answers I wasn't willing/able to deal with. Supremely nervous of what would become of my family in the meantime since i'm so much less capable than ever. I thought of all the parenting scenarios where you must act quickly to avert crisis, and agonized over the possible outcomes of me being powerless to get there in time. Tornados, fires, busy streets, stairs, bodies of water, my inability to hold anything( let alone anyone) with any amount of strength, county prosecutor intervention for getting my kindergartener to school late too many times (we got a letter!)and even just tantrumming toddlers. All that waiting gave me too much time to worry, I think.

I now have a newfound appreciation for old people though! My aunt says "Growing old aint for sissies!" and it is SO true! You're body degenerating is bound to make anyone feel geriatric! It's hard not to think that your body is 'on its way out' when it declines so drastically, and I've had a lot of 'this might be it' moments where i've held my kids extra close, and read a few more stories, sang few extra songs at bedtime, and snuck them a few more jelly beans here and there. Almost as alarming as the prospect of nearing 'The end" was the idea of being like this indefinitely. So sad to think of my kids growing up with an incapacitated mother. Jason aspirations and plans being shackled to a sickly wife. And me being the incapacitated mother, the sickly wife.

But now, hallelujah! We have a specific reason!I'm NOT in doctor limbo for years, hoping someone somewhere will figure out what's wrong with me! It's NOT cancer. I'm NOT dying. We have a direction to head in, and hope that it will improve! Sure, we also have an incurable disease that makes my immune system attack healthy joints. Sure i'll most likely be on strong medicine for - well, until the resurrection. BUT, we also have a knowledge that we've been led through this in the best manner and timing possible (that's another post in itself!).

So, you win some, you lose some. Mostly, I have won. And hey, you know what else? Doesn't this just sound like the PERFECT excuse to hire an occasional housekeeper? I'd be thrilled to delegate that little gem of a responsibility since I already didn't love it, and its now pretty non-existent!

My friend Taryn thinks I have all the luck... hehe, yes Taryn, I do. And you're right, I am more fun than bubble wrap.

Conference Weekend!

Well, it's that weekend again where members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints around the world pause Saturday activities and skip Sunday's three hour worship, opting instead for an EIGHT HOUR BROADCAST ! (TEN if you are a male over the age of 12) Yes, it's time for General Conference. You're probably thinking "Jimminy Cricket! That's a lot of church!" and you are right, it is! That's probably why my earliest memories of it include curling up on a bench in a dim chapel for a relaxing weekend of naps. Four naps to be exact, in two-hour installments. But gradually those memories changed to passing the time by doing sketches of the speakers, dozens of speakers!( I really got that podium down to a science.) Later I decided to label the sketches, even putting little words around the sketch if something they said stood out to me. It got to the point where I was hearing so much worthwhile, really great stuff that I found myself scrambling to finish the drawing while the speaker was wrapping up, and finally I abandoned the sketches all together after pages of just the podium and an outline of a suit surrounded by lots and lots of notes. So even if it sounds a little kooky, I sure love those EIGHT hours of hearing our Prophet, and the 12 Apostles, and several other regional leaders from around the globe. I love the new stories, and gospel insights, the laughs, the smiles, and the sweetness of truth well shared. Though it takes a different form these days with 4 little ones piled onto the couch that we've moved in front of the computer, instead of the sleepy chapel from when I was little, I can't help but hope my kids will remember sitting with us, listening for key words for two hours in order to color in their conference bingo squares. Maybe they'll remember the new box of crayons and notepad, or even just the whopping jackpot of 4 Starbursts for a completed bingo square, but either way, I hope they will look back and remember their own conference beginnings, and how out of small things, proceedeth that which was great.