Monday, September 21, 2009

When I look at the stars...

At the end of a lazy day, I was feeling physically and mentally exhausted looking on the mess that had only become worse than earlier that morning when I initially decided I didn't want to clean it, after what seemed like only a few short hours since the last time it was clean.
Sleepy @ 9:30 pm: Not a good time to evaluate my self worth, and muse on the idea of possible failure in the grand scheme of things. "By their fruits ye shall know them" and yesterdays fruit was rotten. I was rotten at this life of mine.
Out of sheer frustration and desperation to escape from this YUCKY train of thought, and REALLY not wanting to wake up to it in the morning, I began picking up the floor.

Toys to the toy room.
Clothes to the laundry mountain.
"What's wrong, Lucia?" Jason asks. "Nothing, I just... nothing."
Trash to the bin- nope, too full, that would have to wait.
Books to the buckets.
A refreshing encouragment from a prophet in my memory: "Don't dwell on negative thoughts"
Camping chairs to the closet.
About a dozen mismatched shoes to another closet
Dishes to the overflowing sink.
More stray toys, books and laundry.
A whiny prayer in my heart:"I'm failing, I know I shouldn't dwell on negative thoughts about myself. I don't want to be cleaning this house. I don't want to feel this way. Please help. I just..." trilailing off into nothing because my whining just feels like an excuse. "Will You help me please, I need to get this done, and I need to feel better. Okay, i'll just take this trash out first"
Apple Jacks swept into a pile next to the the trash can.
Lift the trash bag out of the bin and shake it down to make room for the new additions.
Tie up the bag and take it outside.
Wow, those stars are beautiful. The sky is so peaceful- and always so fresh and clean. Maybe Jason and I should just go lay out on the grass under these pretty stars for a minute. No, that's not really his way. "Ask him." Maybe i'll just ask him, maybe something inside him will tell him I could use a break from my thoughts.
"Let's go out on the grass and watch the stars, just for 10 minutes?"
"Sure, you get the blanket, i'll get dressed" -yup, he IS amazing, how did I not know that?

As we lounged on a cotton sheet, in breeze of fresh cool air, making pictures in the stars, and creatures in the clouds, I felt the burden lifted, my thoughts refreshed. Reminded of the love of my sweetheart, and the Love of God that sheddeth itself abroad unto the hearts of the children of men... and a silly, self-concious, tired woman. And I savored the peace that flavored this fruit, growing in abundance from the Tree of Life, this love of God. Peace in your body and your spirit at the same time, enough to wash through and remove anything else. Yes, Nephi was right. Most desirable.


Cydnee Gee said...

Thank you for sharing that Lucia, I needed that!

Amanda Nemelka said...

WOW...who doesn't feel like that?? I feel like I'm failing as a mom, wife, teacher, etc often and I know in my heart it's not true, but my head often wins. Glad to know I'm not the only one that has those moments. You're awesome. I wish I had time to get to know you better.

Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you, but on what happens inside of you.

Harold B. Lee