News!

Well, Jason is approaching the end of his program, and it's time to look at the next thing on the horizon. You'll never guess, but it's exciting, I promise you! More news to come when we've jumped through a few more bureaucratic hoops.

Hint: Think camels.

Just a quick update about my health: I have been feeling GREAT lately. I forgot how much easier everything is when you feel well. I am really hoping that it's the new medicines kicking in and causing this upswing, as opposed to the double steroids. Either way, I'm doing great, and feeling especially grateful right now. Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, and well wishes!

Shoes On!

Is there anything sweeter than toddler talk? Not for me, not at the moment anyway. I just love how my little guy says, "Dee-do, Mama!" (thank you, mama) all day because it is remarkably similar to another phrase, "Doot-dit, mama" which translates to, "look it, mama!" for when he has anything he thinks is interesting. I wish I had a camera and microphone to just follow him around all day to capture his cute little phrases and faces. I heard that when they were making Monsters Inc, they just put a mic on a little girl and let her roam the studio all week and that's how they got all the adorable little phrases that Boo says. I keep thinking that if anyone in Hollywood needed ADORABLE toddler babbling, my little guy would stop the show with his vocal cuteness! I can't seem to get it recorded since when I pull out the phone the little ham stops whatever he's doing and says, "cheeeeeeeese" which is quite cute, but not so handy for candid anything. Ah well, maybe it will happen, but if not, I hope it is etched in my memory forever!

Another common phrase is "choos-on". Yeah, he is convinced that the word is not Shoes, but Shoes-on. When I think about it, I hardly ever say one without the other. Let's get our shoes on. Can you put your shoes on? Shoes on, please. So every time he sees a shoe he says, "choos on!" Love it. 

on death

Journal entry from yesterday:

I find myself thinking about death a lot. I think it’s normal, especially for me since I am a pretty dramatic person. I imagine it’s hard for anyone to feel like they have a long healthy life ahead of them when they are in a current state that seems unsustainable. In not even 2 years of rhuematoid arthritis, I have felt my body go from great (thought slightly heavier than healthy, hey I was 6 months out from the birth of my 4th child, c-section mind you, no jumping up and going for a jog) to so very very different. I’m so much slower, so much weaker, so much more frail. It’s not just this, but the fact that it’s a disease that really is linked to higher mortality rate. I just read today something to the effect of people with unresposive RA (which is pretty much what mine has been so far, progress with symptoms, but not with the disease itself)  have a mortality rate similar to that of people with stage VI hodgkins lymphoma, and heart disease that affects 3 valves (or arteries, or something or other of extreme importance). I feel like death is on the table, though obviously it is for everyone, and no one knows when they will die. But I have just been thinking about it so much. It’s not a desire to die, i’m NOT suicidal by any means, I just think dying of some complication is a possibility in my current state.
There’s also the fact that the medicines I am on are highly toxic, and have a history of dangerous side effects. Leuflonamide, the one that’s been added most recently says right in the warning that it’s linked to liver problems, ESPECIALLY if used in conjunction with methotrexate (which I am on), it’s not recommended, although it notes it can be more effective in certain cases. I have to get my blood checked EVERY SINGLE MONTH to monitor my inflammation and RA stuff, but more especially to make sure my vital organs haven’t been damaged by the meds since the previous blood draw from the month before. Which reminds me, I need to go get a lab work tomorrow. I have been paying special attention to the whites of my eyes for the yellowing from liver failure. So far so good.
So anyways, I often laugh at my morbid inner monologue. When people do random nice things for me, I find myself wondering if it’s because God is trying to make my last memories of life especially happy, or that He knows that when I die, they would feel bad for thinking of me and not doing anything. I’m taking more time to try to enjoy the time with my kids, and make sure that they have something nice to remember too, which has been really nice actually. But still I think, “Is it so wonderful because my time is short?”  I have been losing weight, is it because Heavenly Father wants me to have that satisfaction of feeling good about my body since I wont have it for long? Did the YW leaders feel inspired to let me come to girls’ camp even though I’m not a leader, because Heavenly Father knows how much I love it, and wants me to be able to go again before I die. Or even if I don’t make it that long, he doesn’t want me to die feeling rejected from YW camp. You see? I’m sooooooo dramatic.
I think about who will be Jason’s wife, and mother my babies after I’m gone. Last night my kids were talking about much they love one of my awesome single friends, and how they wished she was their aunt, then Athen upped it to wishing she was their step-mom, with was met with emphatic approval. Wouldn’t it be great if she was our mom?!? I knew they didn’t know what getting a step-mom would entail, and I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up. Though I agreed she would be a great mom, and internally sighed that my kids might eventually have very keen knowledge of why a person gets a stepmom. I was told in a blessing that this experience would be short. I don’t know which experience that is really, RA, having trouble controlling my emotion with my kids(which is why I requested the blessing), or my life. Or is it just an eternal perspective thing? I'm going to get old, but it will seen short in the grand scheme of things. I didn’t get a “no you aren’t going to die” answer. Everyone is going to die. No one knows when, and since I don’t know, I should not assume I have a long time to be the mom I want my kids to remember, whether they remember it with me on the earth or not. Shouldn’t we all ‘live like you were dying” as the twangy country song suggests?

NO regrets, dead or alive,  

For the record, I didn't post this to disturb all of my readers, I just want my blog to be an accurate account of my experiences thus far. And after the last post, I'm starting to worry people think I have inhuman optimism. I'm no Pollyanna. I often post about things that are profound or interesting to me, and it's the sweet peaceful conclusions I've come to only after plenty of stressing over things. This is the other side of a coin. I love that life can be so many things all at once. I can love life and feel so lucky, and at the same time be thinking "This is going to kill me , I just know it!". It's all life, its very me, good and bad.

on life.

Tonight I was reading a quote about the principle of compensation, and how all sorrows will be made right 100 fold in the Lord's time, and I thought to myself, "Am I going to be compensated for this time that my body is so inconveniently beset with arthritis?" ( And yes, I'm talking about it again, sorry! Do you feel like you are reading an arthritis blog yet?)   I was surprised at how quickly my thought's answered back, "No". Well let me explain a little more, I am sure my body will be repaired since I plan on having it forever at some point so in it's current state it just isn't eternally sustainable. But compensation, no, that implies some sort of imbalance that needs to be corrected. I don't see my health that way. There's a story there. You see, when my mom was pregnant with me, I got all tangled up in my umbilical chord, but instead of knotting and killing me, it just grew longer and longer. I heard after I was born, they kept it in a jar at the university. Cool, and weird. So anyways, the ultrasounds were a fright! I appeared to have a hand and foot growing from my head, and just looked hopelessly deformed.  The story goes that my parents even got a letter from the Utah governor's office suggesting they abort me since I wouldn't live anyway, and the cost of trying to save me with only a slim chance of success (and even then with only the hope that I'd be a vegetable) would eventually be an astronomical financial burden for the state. If you know my parents (staunch mormon, and devout catholic) you'd know that abortion was out of the question. So the time came for my birth, and there were all sorts of specialists there ready to whisk me away and attempt to keep me alive when I came out... totally fine. Just a little tangled up in a miraculously long chord.  I was born stealing health from where it shouldn't have been.

Jason and I have often remarked that life is just so nice together, that we are subconsciously waiting for a big bomb to drop. We are not trying to be pessimists, but we have both had that feeling of, "Sure this is nice, enjoy it, but life doesn't come with a guarantee of pleasantness", on the contrary it is supposed to be the hard part of our existence, heaven is where it's all fair and wonderful, but only after the hard learning process of earth.

So, for a little portion of my good health to expire 26 years after the warranty was up, I still feel like I have been overly compensated already. I'm just saying that if heaven were to really balance the books, so to speak, it wouldn't be in favor of a long heathy life, i'm overdue in that department. It was already ridiculously unfair in my benefit, I can't really ask for more. And yet even with this "hardship" I still get all sorts of help along the way and reassurance that it will be or at least seem like a short time. So there you have it, life's not fair, but it's not fair in my favor so who am I to complain (not that it stops me).

Thankful Christmas Tree

Last Fall, I saw a lot of adorable thankful trees, where families had written things they were thankful for on paper leaves, and taped them to the wall. I wanted to make one, but missed it for Thanksgiving, so ours was a big green thankful Christmas tree. After Christmas, I kept the stack of papers at my computer desk so I could make the list of things the kids were thankful for, and there it sat, and here I am in June going crazy about the clutter on the desk, so I'm finally getting it typed out!!

We are thankful for: 

Pie

Our House

Music

Sunflowers

Disneyland

Diego

The Temple

Computers

Brooklyn

Grandpa

Snow

Church

Preschool

Windows

Hanukkah

Lincoln

Heavenly Father

Baby Jesus

Birds

San Diego

Our Family

Ms. Cindi

A Heart for Love

Grandpa Ricky

Jason

Moose

Dad and Mom

Happiness

Scorpions

A/C

Deer

Grandpa Ricky (again)

Television

And several discernible pictures that seem to be (and very well could be): A three-eyed monster,a butterfly, a hook, and a family. 

:)

Summer lovin' had me a blast...

Well, not so much in the Grease sense of the phrase, but we are LOVIN' SUMMER and HAVING a BLAST! Oh, how I love summer! Here are some highlights so far:

Summer Camp! The older 3 kids have been going to various summer camps here and there and really loving it! I love that they get to do fun things, just be kids, be active, and that they don't have to slow down because of me. I also like the little pockets of one-on-one or at least one-on-two time I get with whoever is not at camp.

 Summer Reading! It's been fun having more time to be at the library, and more quiet time to just read stories. I also love that my kids are old enough to enjoy listening to books that I actually enjoy too. I have many favorite children books, but a person can only stand so much worrying from the little toy clown and toys and dolls, wondering if a train will ever help them get all their goodies to the good little boys and girls on the other side of the mountain. Seriously, that book is forever long. Right now we are all thoroughly enjoying Shannon Hale's The Princess Academy.

 Summer Weather! I love that that sun has come out in full warmth and we can enjoy warm days at the park, cool nights watching fireflies, hot days perfect for going to the Ice Cream Machine, and summer storms to cool it all off. Not to mention that nice summer glow we all have, and getting to unpack the boxes of summer clothes.

 Summer Schedule! I love that a few nights ago when it was bedtime and my kids begged me to let them stay because they found out I knew some swing dance, so they were dying to learn too, I could say, "Well, we don't have to be up early for anything so, SURE! Let's learn how to swing dance!" And I love that they were so excited to show Dad their ever so basic, but oh so enthusiastic swing steps.

 I love the cookouts, and the time with friends, and the many summer birthdays we get to celebrate, and I just have to say I wholeheartedly approve of the whole concept of Summertime! And it is only JUNE! July and August just get better!

Life is a good deal.

I'm feeling sentimental today. It started with having a ridiculously awesome life, but waxed emotional, grateful, and blissfully happy when I caught up on some back reading of friends' blog posts. Sherry in particular. It reminded me of her strength and humor, and how fun it was to live down the street from her. But I can't think of one friend without thinking of scores of others whom I love SO much and am so happy to know. I'm so glad to have lived in so many places( Nine cities all over the US, FIVE just since Jason and I got married) because for every place, there are amazing people that I can't imagine not knowing, and that I count blessed to have spent part of life with. And here we are again in a place where it again feels like home, with friends that I know I will think of often, long after we've moved on.

I've always known the best part of life is spending it surrounded by God's treasures, and knowing that no matter how many you come to love, you will never run out of space to know and love more. Sure life is tricky, but it's a really good deal.

I'm a list person...

I really think I should start a running list of the things I want to do when I get a brand new fresh amazing body, in other words, when I get resurrected. You know, I actually think about that a lot, and I think having a body in good working order with everything pristine and perfect will be completely distracting for at least the first few decades. I think we will all be surprised at how many things we have always thought were inherent flaws, personality quirks, etc are actually just a physiological side effect of something being not quite right. It's like how when your kids are just so sad, or so cantankerous, or frazzled about anything and everything, and you KNOW that the problem actually is that they need sleep, but they just can't see how easily their seemingly unrelated problems could be fixed if they would just go to bed, or take their nap! I think our bodies are the same way. We don't even realize that we are not feeling tip top and our physical state is hampering our ability to deal with stuff. So maybe that guy that's always grumpy will wake up from the resurrection a new person once the unseen physical ailments are gone.
Okay, I digress. Back to business. Every once in a while I try to do something only to realize it's no longer in my ability to do. Most of the time it's fine and stuff I'm well used to, but occasionally it catches me off guard and stresses me out, if only momentarily. This past weekend we were at Ebonnie's wedding, and everything was beautiful, despite the inevitable last minute problems, but what really surprised me was that the biggest emotional jolt of the day was not when my sister-in-law walked down the isle looking stunning, or kissed her new husband for the first time, or when my kids carried flowers and rings down the isle, or even the aftermath of my toddler breaking his foot the night before, I handled all that just fine. I'm embarrassed to say that the most alarming moment for me personally was when Cotton-Eyed Joe came on, and I forgot that jumping from one foot to the other was an utterly ridiculous thing to even attempt, and so I tried. No, I didn't fall on my face or anything, but my mind told my legs, "Jump!" and they tried, and quickly sent back, "Not likely" and then I remembered. Blah! So oh well, big deal, it's not the end of the world, but just for future reference, I think it will be so fascinating to have a fresh perfect body, that I might be too distracted to enjoy the little things I have missed, hence: the list! Make a list. Move on.

Things I will do when I get resurrected:
- Go for a run!
- The cotton-eyed Joe dance. Definitely.